27 May 2013

I fantasized of meeting a boy who was perfectly flawed. He was born on the 3rd May of 1984 and he wears glasses. He’s an architect, lived in Surabaya most of his life, studied in University of Indonesia and RMIT and spent three months in Paris one summer of 2006. He’s lactose intolerant, hates raw and slimy food, lives for vegetable-based meal and can only swim free-style. Cold temperature weather brings the worst in him, coffee makes him talkative and he collects miniature classic cars. There’s a tattoo of three different coloured lines circling his arm just below his elbow and another of a 3D geometrical shape on his chest, the latter I found out because he told me about it. If you ask him top five things that make him happy, he would say 1) listening to his vinyl collection, 2) everything about tropical warm rain, 3) watching live music concert, 4) fruit salad and, 5) showing off his miniature car collection. 

May 27, 2013

DD: 21 May 2013

There’s two part of the dream without any correlation whatsoever. The first part involved me, my aunt from mom’s side and a basket of laundry. I remember stepping into a dark house with a basket of laundry and having a conversation with her. I remember feeling annoyed, but not very clear why.

The second part is a different thing all together. I don’t remember how it begun exactly, all I remember was that I was in a car with an older guy. He wasn’t really my dream guy, but I remember how I feel about him. I remember knowing that he cares for me, that he understands me and wants to compromise with me, that he was wise and he has pure intention of being with me and taking care of me. So there we were in his car, he was driving and there’s my brother is in the backseat as well. It was night time and we were trying to figure out the way to get somewhere. I remember he seems like he’s just finished work and he was wearing blue shirt. 

I remember looking out for the street names a couple of times and all the while he tried to sort of accidentally placed his hand on my thigh or my shoulder (so cheesy, I know), and even if I don’t necessarily like him with a passion, but I respect his effort and that he is a nice guy, so I let it pass while I think over the possibility of maybe started dating him. I remember starting to feel that I care for him, but because I’m used to him being around. I feel like that a lot sometimes with guys who’s been around me and caring for me after a while, plus I feel certain of his kindness. So then I made up my mind and started to accidentally touched his arm and we sort of held hands as well in the end. 

Then we arrived at our destination, which is a house turned restaurant. There we met two of my old guy friends from KU and it feels like this guy and my friends were the same age (over 35-ish?) so they were talking and stuff while I waited around. Then one of my friends asked how long we’ve been dating and he said over a month, and I was annoyed at that, because we haven’t. We’ve been close for over a month, but I’ve only started responding his attention as of lately, and holding hands doesn’t me we’ve started dating. 

But I do remember the part of knowing for sure of someone’s attention and care towards you and how good it feels. Also that moment very early in a relationship where you feel giddy of touching each other was nice as well. 

May 21, 2013

DD: 20 May 2013

I always dream the weirdest dream during traveling. This time it’s about my ex from Uni. I received facebook messages and emails from him asking me to have a truce with him. Then we meet up at this auditorium building (not familiar with the look of it) and we were on some kind of steps. There were also a group of his friends/football team from back in Uni time, they were all sort of pushing me to forgive him, etc. And I had this feeling that he was only asking for a truce or for us to have a clean slate because he’s getting married and it was important for him (somehow) that he’s on a good term with his exes and such. But when I asked him, he didn’t want to admit it at first, and I remember being annoyed at him and hitting his arm a couple of times because I want him to be honest. When he actually admitted that it was true, I got so pissed because I felt like if he wasn’t gonna get married, he wouldn’t apologize to me, so I stormed out of the building and out into a seemingly highway rest area, with a Burger King restaurant next to it. 

Then suddenly we were in combat mode fighting against zombies. I remember carrying a massive (but strangely light) machine gun, and we were trying to cross the parking lot while looking around making sure no Zombies are after us. Then we saw one of my ex’s friend got trapped in an upside-down car, so my ex and a couple of his other friends went there to save the trapped one while I stood close by covering them with my machine gun. After he was released, we went inside the Burger King and ate together. 

The parts that stuck in my head vividly are when we were in the auditorium and I can actually feel him next to me sort of like half-begging me to forgive him, and the Burger King part as well. I don’t know why Burger King specifically.

May 21, 2013

12 March 2013


Sometimes late at night when I lay in bed to sleep, I’d close my eyes and start to think of stuff. Mostly scenario of events that I wish would happen in the future. Like finally be in a healthy relationship, finally getting  my own apartment, finally meeting my best girl friends again after being apart for a long time. I am superstitious, I’m sort of certain that the more I fantasize about my future, or in other way of saying, the more I want it to happen, the less likely it will come true. Yet, I still think about it every night. My heart would, for a split second, feel so anxious knowing my current reality is still so very far from those fantasies. I would shake my leg, rub my skin and manage my breathing steadily, until finally I fall asleep. It would be so easy to just give up. 

Mar 12, 2013

20 February 2013


MT told me a rather happy news today, I said rather because it affects mostly her than me; in fact it affects her entirely, and I was just happy because she’s my friend as it had nothing to do with me at all. I asked her what should I do so that I could be in the same position as her (she just started being in a serious relationship with someone, you see, and I was, obviously, jealous). She said I shouldn’t try to be anyone else but myself, because the right guy will come along and he will love me the way I am. I pondered while looking outside the window. At fourteen.fifteen the sky was bright with sunshine; twenty minutes later, still bright, snow started falling. At fifteen.oh-three the clouds moved and made the sky dark, and then the blizzard started for about 15 minutes before the wind blew the clouds away and revealed the bright sky once again. It’s a rather weird weather we’re having today.

Feb 20, 2013